Sat K’s Top Stories of 2020

Okay so, I’ve been a bit busy this year and I’m not up on the news as much as I would normally be. Apparently there was some kind of small flu going around this year? 

I hear it became some kind of a rights issue? People felt that they had a right to get sick and were angry that the government tried to stop them?

I also heard that this virus exposed the deplorable conditions faced by our elderly in nursing homes. The mostly private long-term care industry defended itself by stating that they were following well-established societal expectations regarding best business practices. The care they provided was the best available to ensure maximum profits. 

And apparently, scientists made a remarkable discovery. It seems that there is a significant difference between those people able to give a damn about other people and those people who couldn’t give a shit about other people. It seems the people who couldn’t give a shit about other people were largely immune to the virus. Pity!

~

There were a number of elections this year and it seems that the popularity of “populist” politicians is decreasing world-wide. 

Populist politicians get elected by proposing unrealistically simple solutions to complex problems and encouraging hate. Apparently this doesn’t work so well during hard times when you’re actually expected to fix things. 

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Donald Trump’s loss in the American election left the leaders in Russia with a serious problem – what to do with that last load of Trump votes that they didn’t get to file.

Lots of conspiracy theories arose following that election, so many that Elvis sightings were down by 50 percent.

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On the legal front, the police in one state in the United States took an innovative approach to the issue of “black” people being killed by police. 

During a recent protest, they allowed a militant neo-Nazi with a semi-automatic rifle to walk past the police barricades and kill the protestors instead. 

And to ensure fairness, the president’s legal team has assigned a lawyer to protect the killer’s rights.

~

In transportation news, this year found many large metropolitan areas increasing their use of electric buses. 

These buses initially cost more to purchase, however fuel and maintenance savings eventually overcome that cost. 

Increased ridership could also add to cost efficiency. And ridership is expected to increase dramatically! Plans are being drawn up to equip new bus models with the capacity to simply run over and crush all those SUVs cluttering up the roadways.

~

There wasn’t much to report on the religion front this year. 

Well, other than an ancient copy of the Koran was found. 

It revealed that the real reason the Prophet didn’t want his picture displayed publicly is that he wanted to be able to visit his local hookah shop without being recognized. It turns out it wasn’t infidels he minded; it was paparazzi. 

Oh, and Jesus was trans.

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Education research was published at the end of this fall’s semester on the effects of children staying home and being schooled virtually. 

The results found that children tested just as well academically as they had while attending regular school. However, significant issues arose in their social and psychological well-being. This proved what researchers have been saying for years –  Children’s time with their parents needs to be strictly limited. 

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With fewer people going to wildlife parks this year, natural resources officers noted that there has been an increase in the numbers of larger animals coming back to the parks.

With the increase of larger animals, it was noted that there just didn’t seem be as many smaller animals around. 

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Fashion took a hit this year. People were mostly staying at home and just couldn’t decide the best outfit to wear to go to the ER for an emergency intubation. 

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Environmentalists were not amused about the fossil fuel industry’s latest public relations initiative to address the effects of global warming. They just didn’t have a sense of humour about the industry’s poster showing a polar bear wearing plastic sunglasses.

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And, finally, sex workers got the shaft again this year. 

The federal government rejected their claim for compensation for lost income during the Covid19 lockdowns. 

And despite backroom lobbying by a number of top politicians and business people, the government also refused to let them keep working on the basis of their providing an “essential service”. 

They did win one battle though. The government did agree to allow them to promote their services online thereby allowing customers to avoid long-lineups by ordering in advance. This gave new meaning to the term “curbside pickup”. 

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Have a great 2021. And don’t worry, the next virus won’t be as bad

… maybe.

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