As the year began, the term ‘Allies’ became part of our social language. The term refers to anyone who doesn’t have the problem that someone else has and can’t stand being left out.
Traffic safety continued to be an issue as we try to jam more and more vehicles into less and less space. Figuring out the traffic signs can be particularly daunting.
During a New Year’s blizzard, a frustrated driver on a congested on/off ramp gave up trying to figure out the traffic sign. He pulled his car over onto the shoulder and started to walk away. Before he left though, he took a picture of the sign.
The sign featured three diagrams. The one on the right showed a two lane route with an S-curve. The middle one showed three lanes looping in a full circle. The left one showed two lanes dividing up and heading back towards the other two.
He sent a copy of the picture to the Department of Highways asking “When you made this sign, didn’t anyone see a problem here?”
The Department of Highways sent him back a picture of a bus.
Last February, a man in Manitoba defended his chronic absenteeism from work on the grounds of Patriotism. He claimed that there are now so many national sports teams at so many levels that he just couldn’t support them all and still have time to work.
The sport of Mixed Doubles Curling continues to gain popularity with young people. Mixed Doubles lets one male and one female curl together as a team. Curling officials advertise it as the perfect date. Young men are assured to “get their rocks off”. And the young women can scream at their partner to “Sweep! Sweep!” and “Hurry! Harder!”
On this year’s religious front, Creationists have admitted that they do have at least one thing in common with Scientists. Both try to prove the science wrong.
However, the difference is that if the Scientist, after copious testing and retesting, cannot prove that their suspicions are wrong, they assume they are right. The Creationists, on the other hand, assume that if the scientists can’t prove themselves wrong, then there’s something wrong with the testing.
The Creationists further added that if scientists just accepted that the Creationist’s are right, they would get along just fine.
By the Spring, several prominent sports personalities had lost their jobs due to accusations of years past incidents ranging from racial slurs to physical and verbal abuse and just being downright mean. Just another example of ‘it’s never too late to get even’.
As summer got underway, police captured a notorious white supremacist. They found him naked and hairless trying to evade detection by hiding in front of a totally white wall. Upon his release, he vowed to start a new organization – The Brotherhood of the ‘kind of pale orangey-pink’.
There was a little confusion at a Federally-sponsored Summer Solstice Conference on Indigenous Rights when a person from the audience innocently pointed out that the word “indigenous” is a “European” language term used to describe a “European” concept that was not shared by people now calling themselves “Indigenous”. The person was escorted out of the building.
And in a related story, CBC Radio again won a national ‘Inclusion’ award for its continuing attacks on WHMs (white heterosexual males). In accepting the award, the head of CBC stated that they wouldn’t give up the fight until there were no WHM’s left on the planet. At the current rate, he expects this to occur by 2025.
Despite the efforts of various levels of government, gun violence continued to escalate in Canada. One expert explained the problem like this – “Some people just want to shoot other people!”
In the fall, the financial sector went abuzz about fears for a recession in 2020. Their fears are that they may not make enough money out of one.
Plebiscites continued to create concern. The continuing problem with plebiscites is that they oversimplify complex problems. Heck, even the word itself is too hard to spell.
Finally, despite yearning to get paid to snowboard or to play with computers, young people in Canada once again found that the most available jobs were for flipping burgers and asking whether people wanted to upgrade to a meal deal.
And they faced stiff competition even for those jobs … from Seniors.
After buying into conservative anti-union rhetoric for decades, many older workers are finally realizing that investing in personal RRSPs isn’t equal to having an actual pension.
One investment firm mailing clerk expressed her fears about the future by writing on the client’s year-end investment statements – “You want fries with that?”
Have the year you are going to have!
Sat K (One of the Possible Ks)
In February, Corrections Officials transferred a serial rapist from a male prison to a women’s prison. The inmate had demanded the transfer under the Human Rights Code as he considered himself “Trans”.
In March, these same officials abruptly cancelled a hearing to determine whether he was further eligible for a government-funded sex change operation.
Following an alleged incident in the showers, the “Head Butch” of the cellblock cut off his balls and carved him a new asshole.
Just one more example of “Be careful what you wish for”!
In other correctional services news, the federal government announced the building of a new prison. This facility will house the ‘victims’ of violent crimes. After all, the government sure can’t keep them safe on the outside.
The federal governments of Canada, Mexico and the United States finally agreed to a new Free Trade Agreement. There isn’t really much new in the agreement, other than the ‘opt out’ clause. This clause specifically allows any of the participants to immediately opt out of the agreement if they find that the average workers of any country are actually benefitting.
Fake News continues to be a problem. However, this may not be true.
Last spring also brought hopeful news on the environmental front. The ozone layer is now healing. Environmentalists claimed that this is a total victory for their side. Climate Change Deniers claimed it as proof that they were right all along.
Stocks in the tanning bed industry dropped dramatically.
In June, in a rare display of political awareness, chronically unemployed residents of Smitty’s Trailer Park marched on the legislature.
They showed up to demand their share of ‘white male privilege’.
It was a relatively peaceful affair until radical liberals appeared carrying signs stating that a beer strike was imminent. Two hundred people were injured in the stampede to get to the beer store before supplies ran out.
Over the summer, the newly elected female premiere of Manitoba began acting quickly to right some ancient wrongs.
She has appointed an all-female cabinet and she has started the process of changing the province’s name to Womanitoba.
Since her election, the province has experienced a marked decline in physical violence. However, the measures for passive-aggressive hostility are right off the charts.
In September, populist politicians around the world joined the call for stricter guidelines for self-driving cars. These cars are programmed to make split-second risk assessments on who to hit when collisions are unavoidable. The populist’s favour pre-emptive programming in which the cars hit certain people just because the cars fear that there might be a collision at some point, maybe.
The oil and natural gas industry has found a unique way to fight back against environmentalists and indigenous groups. They have reduced supplies to plastics manufacturers. Among other things, this has resulted in a 10-fold price increase to such things as credit cards, poker chips, new computer products and free syringes to junkies. Analysts are unsure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.
As of October, Marijuana is now legal in Canada. And the earth is still spinning on its axis.
With the rise in gun violence in Canada, citizens of a Toronto neighbourhood decided to deal with it in the Old West Way. They hired gunslingers to take back their community.
As usual, the end result saw townspeople climbing onto their rooftops with rifles to rid their community of the gunslingers they’d hired. Clint Eastwood will be making the movie version.
This past Fall, Conservatives proposed an addition to the Rights Charter – “the right to be your own boss”. Surprisingly Progressives supported the idea, stating that as Charter Rights apply equally to everyone, if everyone were their own boss, no one could boss someone else around. The Conservatives quickly withdrew the proposal.
And finally, taking a cue from the sports world, the Doomsday Clock is set to report milliseconds during the final minute of play.
And, no stoppage of play is anticipated at this time.
Have the kind of 2019 that you are going to have.
And to those who think it can’t get any worse, oh yes, it can.
Dancing in Dangerous Times – Volumes 1, 2, & 3 now available at Smashwords. Coming soon to the other top eBook sellers.