Sat K’s Top Stories of 2020

Okay so, I’ve been a bit busy this year and I’m not up on the news as much as I would normally be. Apparently there was some kind of small flu going around this year? 

I hear it became some kind of a rights issue? People felt that they had a right to get sick and were angry that the government tried to stop them?

I also heard that this virus exposed the deplorable conditions faced by our elderly in nursing homes. The mostly private long-term care industry defended itself by stating that they were following well-established societal expectations regarding best business practices. The care they provided was the best available to ensure maximum profits. 

And apparently, scientists made a remarkable discovery. It seems that there is a significant difference between those people able to give a damn about other people and those people who couldn’t give a shit about other people. It seems the people who couldn’t give a shit about other people were largely immune to the virus. Pity!

~

There were a number of elections this year and it seems that the popularity of “populist” politicians is decreasing world-wide. 

Populist politicians get elected by proposing unrealistically simple solutions to complex problems and encouraging hate. Apparently this doesn’t work so well during hard times when you’re actually expected to fix things. 

~

Donald Trump’s loss in the American election left the leaders in Russia with a serious problem – what to do with that last load of Trump votes that they didn’t get to file.

Lots of conspiracy theories arose following that election, so many that Elvis sightings were down by 50 percent.

~

On the legal front, the police in one state in the United States took an innovative approach to the issue of “black” people being killed by police. 

During a recent protest, they allowed a militant neo-Nazi with a semi-automatic rifle to walk past the police barricades and kill the protestors instead. 

And to ensure fairness, the president’s legal team has assigned a lawyer to protect the killer’s rights.

~

In transportation news, this year found many large metropolitan areas increasing their use of electric buses. 

These buses initially cost more to purchase, however fuel and maintenance savings eventually overcome that cost. 

Increased ridership could also add to cost efficiency. And ridership is expected to increase dramatically! Plans are being drawn up to equip new bus models with the capacity to simply run over and crush all those SUVs cluttering up the roadways.

~

There wasn’t much to report on the religion front this year. 

Well, other than an ancient copy of the Koran was found. 

It revealed that the real reason the Prophet didn’t want his picture displayed publicly is that he wanted to be able to visit his local hookah shop without being recognized. It turns out it wasn’t infidels he minded; it was paparazzi. 

Oh, and Jesus was trans.

~

Education research was published at the end of this fall’s semester on the effects of children staying home and being schooled virtually. 

The results found that children tested just as well academically as they had while attending regular school. However, significant issues arose in their social and psychological well-being. This proved what researchers have been saying for years –  Children’s time with their parents needs to be strictly limited. 

~

With fewer people going to wildlife parks this year, natural resources officers noted that there has been an increase in the numbers of larger animals coming back to the parks.

With the increase of larger animals, it was noted that there just didn’t seem be as many smaller animals around. 

~

Fashion took a hit this year. People were mostly staying at home and just couldn’t decide the best outfit to wear to go to the ER for an emergency intubation. 

~

Environmentalists were not amused about the fossil fuel industry’s latest public relations initiative to address the effects of global warming. They just didn’t have a sense of humour about the industry’s poster showing a polar bear wearing plastic sunglasses.

~

And, finally, sex workers got the shaft again this year. 

The federal government rejected their claim for compensation for lost income during the Covid19 lockdowns. 

And despite backroom lobbying by a number of top politicians and business people, the government also refused to let them keep working on the basis of their providing an “essential service”. 

They did win one battle though. The government did agree to allow them to promote their services online thereby allowing customers to avoid long-lineups by ordering in advance. This gave new meaning to the term “curbside pickup”. 

~

Have a great 2021. And don’t worry, the next virus won’t be as bad

… maybe.

Sat Ks Monthly – New Years 2017

Here are

Sat Ks Choices

for the Top Stories of 2016

 

  • True Diversity!

Each January for the past two decades, the National Association of University-Trained Social Workers has featured a “diversity photo” on the front page of their Annual Review.

For the first time in twenty years, this year’s photo also included a white male!

Upon discovering this, their President apologized for the accidental mix-up, vowing that this will never happen again.

  • Animal rights, and a few lefts, too!

Also in January, Park Rangers at the “Scratch Where It Itches” Nature Preserve came upon a hunter being mauled by a mother bear. Allegedly, the bear took offence at the hunter taking a shot at her cub out of season.

The Rangers admitted that this wasn’t the first time that they had seen a bear attack a hunter. However, it was the first time that they saw a group of the other animals cheering and giving each other high fives.

  • Going with the wind!

In March, the city of Blingkst in Western Russia completed their project of securely fastening rooftop wind turbines to every single building in the city – homes, offices, factories, sheds, garages, schools, stores, everything.

Then came the night of the really, really, really big windstorm.

The good news is that there is virtually no traffic congestion and all kinds of new farmland where the city of Blingkst in Western Russia used to be. The city is now 2000 miles away in Eastern Siberia where officials are trying to convert to solar panels instead.

  • A rose by any other name!

In April, some members of the Indigenous community of Grassy Straits petitioned the band council to change the name of their community.

For decades now, the folks of Grassy Straits have been dealing with unsafe levels of mercury contamination in their water supply. This was caused by inadequate environmental controls placed on mining companies. Over the years, the federal government’s response has been equally inadequate.

The petitioners want Grassy Straits to become officially known as “Yoo hoo, dumbass, we’re still here and the mercury is still making us sick.”

  • What would you expect!

Last May, scientists at the Geneva Space Exploration Foundation identified a planet in outer space with the exact atmospheric specifications and climate of planet Earth.

They immediate sent out an unmanned space probe to explore this option.

Shortly after launching, the probe picked up signals from an identical ship heading our way.

Apparently this planet is so identical to ours that, just like us, the inhabitants have made it unsuitable for living.

Being equipped with Artificial Intelligence, the probe decided “what the hell” and continued on its journey. It hopes to eventually meet up with the other probe and go somewhere that doesn’t have humans.

  • Methane mania!

Last summer, scientists in India completed development of a machine capable of rendering cow farts harmless. As you may know, next to fossil fuels, cow farts are the leading cause of ozone-depleting methane gas.

Unfortunately, this new fart rendering process takes about 15,000 litres of oil per day.

  • Do you see what I see?

In August, claiming religious freedom, Eleonora Poods refused to follow her local town’s “stoop and scoop” bylaw. She claimed that her dog’s droppings resembled one of the Apostles.

In related news, Sister Maria Conchita Vasquez Rodrigues of Columbia threw up on the Pope.

  • Getting your Priorities straight!

Once again this Fall, a large cross section of representatives from the major world religions came together to discuss and debate weighty ecumenical issues. Topics ranged from abortion to the necessary standards of modesty in women’s clothing, from gay marriage to the nature of the afterlife.

Representatives from the Salvation Army made themselves useful by staying in the kitchen and making soup for everybody.

  • It’s the law!

2016 saw the “A Law” come into force in Canada.

The A Law is similar to those “justifiable force” laws in some US States. Those laws allow the use of lethal force if you feel in fear for your safety. Apparently that means that in those states you can shoot a black man any time that you want and you don’t even have to have a badge.

Following that model, now any woman in Canada can hit her husband or boyfriend with a frying pan without fear of legal penalty. All she has to do is cite the A Law and say “Well your honour, he was an a**hole!”

There have been no constitutional challenges to the law as yet as in every case so far it was hard to argue he wasn’t.

  • Senior Women’s Lessons from Experience

    (formerly known as Old Wives Tales!)

And speaking of apologies, this was another banner year for PCFs (Power and Control Freaks) demanding apologies for any perceived slight.

We all know the old childhood “Senior Women’s Lessons from Experience” saying “Step on a crack and break your mother’s back”.

Well, an organized group of PCF’s made six-year old Suzy Minak apologize to all mothers. On her way home from school, Little Suzy accidentally stepped on a sidewalk crack. Suzy was not only forced to apologize, she was also ordered to take sensitivity training and to stay off sidewalks for 6 months.

Funeral services for Suzy were held soon thereafter due to being hit by a truck while walking on the road.

The driver of the truck apologized.

  • Election news!

In the first-ever democratic elections in the Middle-east Caliphate of Saudi bin Laden, Al Fatwa El Mundo was elected President.

Al campaigned on a platform of bringing Sunny ways back to the region. Whoops, make that Sunni Ways. He also promised to cut taxes while increasing spending, to stop the use of foreign camels, to build a wall around every oasis and to make Saudi Bin Laden Great Again.

Upon hearing that he had won, Al commented “Frig me! I guess that shit works everywhere.”

  • And finally, Faux Fur Flying

Fake news stories were all the rage this year. The more outrageous they were, the more they were believed.

So Sat K wants you to know that all the above stories were 100 percent true.

This disclaimer is not FYI (For Your Information). It’s YFI.

All Sat K could think of when he heard what some of you actually believed was YFI – You Freaking Idiots!

And that’s it for us. Have the year that you are going to have!

For Satire, Seriousness and Something To Think About, come to Kevin Allan McGill The Possible Ks